As Seen On TV
by HamClover
Summary: When Sparkle lands a gig on TV, little does she know that she has to kiss someone on it! Now she sets out in order to land herself a REAL first kiss. Pop-culture gets a run for its' money! RR!
1. The Snack Table From Hell

**As Seen On TV **By HamClover

_Disclaimer-I do not own Hamtaro or any of its' characters. If did, I would be a rich little girl. Blair, Nero, Stefan, and all other made up characters are owned and created by HamClover. _

::::::::::::::::::: _Author's Note_ :::::::::::::::::

This is gonna be tough, I can tell you that. I'm planning for this fic to be fairly long, and I am just hoping I can simply finish it in time! Since school is starting soon, chapters won't be updated every single day. Every other day is the soonest you can expect these chapters out, peoples. I also have to tell you that this plot is _really_ based off me in RL. I do a lot of drama, and going into high school, plan to try out for the plays. They are much bigger than the ones I am used to, and I know for a fact that there is often kissing in it! Well, one of my biggest fears is that someday I will land a role where I have to kiss someone in it, but yet that will be the first time kissing someone! Okay, yeah, laugh all you want, but I just decided to turn a little fear of mine and turn it into fanfiction. So you can sort of call this "based on a true story"!

**_Chapter One_** _.:The Snack Table From Hell:._

For anyone with any taste, or any common sense for that matter, would not go near the snack table in that studio. It was like the devil. Pure evil for any weight-watching actress. Snacks, snacks, and more snacks. It seemed "the snack table of everything evil" was more suited for the stage crew. Not for anyone as pure and wonderful as Sparkle.

"What is all this!?" Sparkle, in her normal mood again, squeaked.

Standing in front of the snack table, she was staring coldly at all the fatty delicacies.

"Well, Miss Sparkle, this is what people would call food." A middle-aged female hamster answered. She was off-white in color with a few tan spots here and there. She wore tiny granny-glasses and her long dark brown hair was tied into a neat bun. With almost too perfect of posture, she looked more suited to a tiny cubicle. Blair.

Sparkle gave Blair a cold stare.

"Well, duh! I know its' food!" Sparkle snapped, her nose scrunched up in a snobby manner. "What do you think I think it is!? Blubber?"

Blair rolled her eyes and adjusted her granny glasses.

"No, Miss Sparkle, I don't, but I think you'd like to know that blubber is often a delicacy in places such as Alaska." She stated.

"Pssh! Those weird Eskimos can have all the blubber they want! I want _my_ food!" Sparkle retorted.

Blair looked at her clipboard, which was with her at all times, and then looked at Sparkle.

"Yes, Miss, your _usual_ is right where it always is. On the snack table."

Sparkle gave Blair an "I knew that, idiot" looked as she reached for the bag of Atkins' Approved sunflower seeds. Pouring a few in a bowl, she then reached out for a bottle of mustard. And when she was just about to pour the mustard on her sunflower seeds, Sparkle stopped short. Gawking at the mustard's logo.

"...what...type of....mustard is this!?" She cried, her hand shaking in frustration.

"Well Miss," Blair began, "That is-"

"NOT GREY POUPON!"

"Oh my. Well we might have made a mistake there."

"BUT I REFUSE TO HAVE MY USUAL UNLESS THE MUSTARD IS GREY POUPON!!!! HOW THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM TO SURVUVE OFF THIS NORMAL PERSON MUSTARD!???!!!!"

"Miss Sparkle it tastes just like your favorite brand, I even tried it fo-"

"YOU ARE SUCH A DOLT!" Sparkle exploded, her face nearly red with anger. "**I WANT MY GREY POUPON, DAMMIT**!"

Blair sighed and checked her clipboard again.

"I'm sorry, we seem to have run out of your favorite mustard. You make due with what you have or don't." She said calmly. She felt like she was talking to a three-year old. Sparkle scrunched her nose up again and folding her arms, abruptly turned the other away.

"Well," The snootily began, "If you cannot provide me with my precious Grey Poupon, then I know who will..._INTERN_!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

After Sparkle's scream filled the studio, a hamster came scrambling around the corner as if he were running for his life. When he arrived by Sparkle's side, he panted, "What...do you want?"

"I want Grey Poupon!" Sparkle shouted for the millionth time.

The hamster, a slightly chubby little fellow with tan fur, looked wearily at Blair. Blair shook her head.

"Ummm....." The hamster stuttered.

Sparkle sighed and folded her arms.

"Well, if Blair can't get Grey Poupon, then I would expect you, of all, interns, Nero!"

The intern named Nero looked at the ground and sighed.

"Sorry, Sparkle" Nero apologized. His gaze quickly shifted from the ground to Sparkle's ever growing crueler face.

"But," He began, "Stefan said he wanted to see you in his office. He said it was something about a change in the script." After saying so, Nero quickly lost eye contact with Sparkle and twiddled his thumbs nervously.

Shoving the Grey Poupon-less bowl of sunflower seeds at Nero, Sparkle trotted off to meet with Stefan. When she was out of hearing range, Nero stood up and looked wearily at Blair. He popped a few sunflower seeds in his mouth.

"Why'd we say we didn't have any Grey Poupon? I knew we did." Nero asked; mouth full.

Blair smiled at last and answered, "Oh, it's fun just to see her break down."

Nero swallowed his snack and with a board smile nodded.

Blair set her paws on her hips and looked over towards Stefan's office.

"And wait till' she hears what Stefan has to tell her about the changes in the script. This ought to get interesting..."


	2. Pucker Up

As Seen On TV By HamClover

:::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_:::::::::::::::

Ugh, I got my schedule today. School starts the seventh. Good thing my senior brother is driving me to school! Boo-yah!

_**Chapter Two** .:Pucker Up:._

As Sparkle carefully stepped into Stefan's office, she became surrounded by piles of papers, old bags of potato chips, and framed autographs by little-known celebs by the truckloads.

"Ah, welcome Sparkle!" Stefan said as he turned around from his old computer. He looked like your typical TV director. He wore a sorry excuse for a beret and he seemed to be trying to hide his age; a little too hard.

Sparkle gave Stefan a fake-smile and sat down in the chair Stefan had gestured towards.

"Hey," She said rather uneasily. She was worried that she was going to be replaced.

"Yes, yes, hello. Now let's cut to the chase."

Sparkle nodded.

"Now don't worry thinking that I am going to replace you, it's not like that at all. I have just made a few changes to the script, and want to alert you of this beforehand, that's all, alright?"

Sparkle breathed a sigh of relief. "Yes. Thank you, Stefan!"

"It's 'Ste-_faun_'! Not 'Ste-_fin_'!" The directory corrected.

"Oh, sorry."

Stefan sighed and leaned back in his chair.

"Yeah everyone mispronounces names these days..." He muttered angrily to himself.

Sparkle decided it was best to change the topic, "So, what changes have you made to the script, sir?" She asked with forced etiquette.

Stefan sat up in his chair and grabbed a large stack of paper. He plopped it in front of Sparkle. The title of the script was "Falling Leaf". That was the name of the over-the-top daytime soap she was guest starring in.

"Nothing major, really," Stefan began, "Just a few add-ins here and there. I'm almost positive that it'll make the ratings go up, for sure."

Sparkle scooted up in her chair and squinted at the type. Flipping a dozen pages down, Stefan snagged a piece of paper from the pile and set it on the top. Sparkle recognized this scene as to the part where Angelica (Her character's name) is talking with Darryl, Angelica's rival's boyfriend, and Angelica tells Darryl a very important secret. She has to ask Darryl to keep this as a promise, and that if he tells, something very bad could happen. So before they leave, they give each other a little quick hug, nothing romantic, more like a hug of trust, and part ways. No biggie for Sparkle to act out.

"Did you make a change to this scene?" Sparkle asked quizzically.

Stefan smirked rather obnoxiously and said; "Yep, and I think it makes this episode all the more interesting."

The chair creak as Sparkle leaned forward in anticipation. "What is it?" She asked, like a three-year old waiting for dessert.

"Well," Stefan began, restacking a pile of papers carefully, "I was thinking that maybe, instead of Angelica and Darryl hugging, they could maybe, well, you know, _kiss_,"

Sparkle's jaw dropped.

"..._What_?" She asked, pretending she didn't hear what she just heard.

Stefan grinned, knowing he had just found Sparkle's weakness.

"I made a change to this scene; Darryl and Angelica kiss. Not some wittle' kiss on the cheeky-weeky, but a passionate kiss. Like the ones you see at the end of PG-13 movies." Stefan's grin stretched to both sides of his wrinkled old face, "_tongues and all_,"

Sparkle couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"But, Mr. Stefan! I can't-"

"Oh, but you can, Sparkle! You are a great actress! That's why I chose you for this role!"

"But you don't understand! I-"

"I know, I know, you are worried what will happen after this scene. It makes this episode all the more interesting, you see? When Patricia finds out about Angelica and Darryl's new love affair-"

"**Mister Stefan! Listen to me please! I can't do this scene because I have never kissed anyone before!!!!!!"**

Stefan paused and twiddled his fingers patiently. He seemed so very unsurprised, but still said, "Oh my, Miss Sparkle. I would have guessed that you, of all young ladies, have already met lips with a young man..."

Sparkle blushed and rubbed the back of her neck. "No..." She muttered with a strange sense of embarrassment, "I haven't."

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds. To Sparkle it seemed to last eons. This was going to be her big break! She just couldn't ruin it because of a silly little kiss!

'_What should I do!?'_ Sparkle thought to herself, trying not to panic.

Stefan finally spoke up.

"Sparkle, the filming begins in exactly seven days." He stated. It seemed that he really wanted her to do the part, which was a surprise to Sparkle. "And I know that you probably don't want your first kiss to be on a TV set with a big celebrity you barely know,"

Sparkle raised her head and nodded. Was there hope in the horizon?

"Sparkle, I really want you to keep this part," Stefan said. "And you only have one week."

Something clicked in Sparkle's head.

"Um, Mr. Stefan?"

"Yes?"

"I think I know what to do."


	3. AIM My Butt!

**As Seen On TV **By HamClover

:::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_:::::::::::::::

Oy, I'm sorry it seems to be taking eons to update! School starts in less than a week and yours truly is stuck right in the middle of all this rush! No writer's blocks! (yet) Just me being myself. On the last day of august, I went to my friend's house and we got quite bored later I the afternoon. So, staring at my friend's pool out a window on her second floor, my twisted mind gets an idea; _'let's throw random toys out the window and into the pool!'_ Well, my friend found that idea brilliant and so we grabbed anything in sight. Dollar-store dinosaurs, Ken dolls, Simba, and yes, even some of her Hamtaro figurines! (Oh, don't kill me! We "rescued" them first and quickly dried them off!) But hey, it was hilarious and I nearly wet my pants. Not funny, you think? Heh, then never mind. Oh, man! I think I'm gonna cry right now! I still remember 100% No Jumon (Japanese ending theme) by heart! It's been so long since I listened to it! I used to sing it out loud on my computer! WAA! I need some time to flashback! _Life is good...till' school starts_

_**Chapter Three **.:AIM My Butt!:._

Sparkle had a brilliant idea and she had to make it work. She had to! She marched out of Stefan's with a look of much importance. Blair and Nero, who were listening to the whole conversation, looked and each other and decided to follow behind Sparkle.

She went straight to her dressing room, and slammed the door behind her.

"I wonder why she's going there?" Nero asked like a little kid.

Blair shifted her gaze from the intern to the star-studded door.

"Hm," She said, "I don't know. Maybe we should knock."

"Okay, sounds good."

_Knock, knock._

"Who's there!?"

"It's-"

"No, Blair! You gotta' say something like..."

"Who is this?"

"**LETTUCE!**"

"...lettuce who?"

"**LETTUCE COME IN SPARKLE!"**

Blair smacked the back of Nero's head.

"Dammit, Nero! Stop being such a....um, intern!" She snapped.

Sparkle creaked open the door and gave the two a blank look.

"What the hell are you doing?" She asked.

"Um, picking our noses..." Nero stated. Blair shook her head.

Sparkle stared at them.

"Fine, you guys can come in."

When they managed to enter, they found Sparkle in front of her laptop.

"I'm on the internet." Sparkle said, trying to cover her frustration in the two.

"Oh, cool! The internet!" Nero giggled. Blair nudged him to stop. He did so.

Blair stared at the screen carefully.

"Um, Miss Sparkle, why are you in a single's chatroom?"

Sparkle's eyes didn't leave the screen.

"You guys heard. It was obvious you were peeping in on our conversation. I saw your ears." She turned around and faced them, "Do I really need to tell you guys again? Because I am really pissed about this whole scenario!"

Blair and Nero looked at each other and then nodded to Sparkle. With the satisfaction knowing her assistants weren't idiots, Sparkle returned to cyber-space.

Here was what she was typing, note that Sparkle's screen name is **_KawaiiPigtails99_**-

**KawaiiPigtails99**- Hey all you sexy guys!

**PunkEdude8**- Sup'

**LoOzEr10**- STFU!

**KawaiiPigtails99**- Hey!

**2Modest13**- ASL! ASL! ASL!

**KawaiiPigtails99**- Um...wut?

**PunkEDude8**- Pssh, idiot

**LoOzEr10**- STFU already!

**2Modest13**- ASL already! C'mon u guys!

**KawaiiPigtails99**- Wut!? Wut does it mean!?

**PunkEDude8**- YOU GUYS ARE ALL EFFIN' IDIOTS! I'm leaving

_PunkEDude8 has left the room_

**LoOzEr10**- Good riddance, NOW STFU!

**2Modest13**- Eeew!

**KawaiiPigtails99**- ..... O.o

_LadiesMan333 has entered the room_

**LadiesMan333**- Hey ladies

**LoOzEr10**- STFU! STFU! STFU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**KawaiiPigtails99**- Hey, like, shut up!

**2Modest13**- Ya

**2Modest13**- !

**LadiesMan333**- Any of you ladies up for a little of...you know what?

**2Modest13**- ...OMG I am so leaving

_2Modest13 has left the room_

**KawaiiPigtails99**- Wait! Don't leave me! cries

**LadiesMan333**- Oh, my, we're all alone

**KawaiiPigtails99**- ....uh-oh

**LadiesMan333**- unzips pants

_KawaiiPigtails99 has left the room_

**LadiesMan333**- ...damn

**LoOzEr10**- STFU!!!!!!! ...wait, what does that mean again?


	4. Plan B Never Works

**As Seen On TV **By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::

Tomorrow is the last day of summer vacation! NOOOO! Yeah, well, my school is starting late this year, usually I'd be suffering through my second or third week by now. And I am not looking forward to waking up at six in the morning and then going to a school, high school. Ugh, I hate the fact that back in Mid High I was the head honcho eighth grader, and now I am a puny freshman. Oh well, my brother is a senior. Okay, back to the story, thank you all for your great reviews! They are what keep my hands a' typing! "I WANT MY GREY POUPON, DAMMIT!" Yay, GenieMaster, you sure can quote Sparkle (Or...me) on that one! Ha, ha! It's so profound. Oh and thankies Kioko for your review saying this is my best fic yet! (I'm beginning to think the same thing also) I could tell you were laughing on AIM a lot! Wee! Let's take advantage of these last days of freedom! Yahoo!

_Oh yeah, there's quite a lot of language in this chapter. (Meaning the "F" word is said) Its rated PG-13 for a reason. It's the only time this word is used, if I used this word any more, I would have to make this fic R-rated._

**_Chapter Four_** _.:Plan B Never Works:._

Sparkle spun her computer chair around and stared at Blair and Nero. She sighed and fixed her pigtails, trying not to act like it was a big deal. She slowly frowned.

"I only have seven frickin' days," She muttered.

Blair and Nero looked at each other.

Sparkle covered her face with her paws.

"Seven days!! Seven days!! I sound like that weird girl from _The Ring!_" She cried.

Nero walked over to Sparkle.

"Um, Sparkle, you can still go out of the studio and look? It's not like you're trapped here." He suggested.

"I know that!" Sparkle snapped suddenly.

Blair slipped down from the table she was sitting on and opened the door.

"I need to go, it's my break time," She stated as she slipped through the door.

Nero sat on the table and stared at the ground. Sparkle could tell he was deep in thought.

Suddenly, he looked up at Sparkle and his face lit up.

"I know what you can do!!" He exclaimed.

Sparkle turned around from surfing on the net and looked at him. "And what is that?" She asked, un-enthusiastically.

Nero ignored Sparkle's boredom and jumped down from the table, with a new spark of hope to help his "friend". (Well, actually, Sparkle was more like the reason he was paid to be an intern in the first place, and Sparkle finds him to be very annoying, so maybe "friend" isn't the best term for this. Let's make it "acquaintance")

"You could be on TV!" He shouted.

Sparkle, for a moment, looked like a school principal yelling at a kid for the zillionth time. She managed to calm down her expression, but soon exploded in a barrage of words!

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM DOING HERE IN THE FIRST, PLACE NERO!? DO YOU THINK I'M ON THE SET OF A TV SHOW TO PLAY CHECKERS WITH A SPIDER!? THINK ABOUT IT, SMARTY!"

Nero just stood there.

Sparkle glared at him and turned around back to computer, muttering "Shit-head," to herself a few times.

Nero still stood there.

A few seconds later, Sparkle noticed the bumbling intern was still present. She wheeled her chair around and scrunched her nose up as much as she could.

"What the fuck do you want!?" She asked, looking like her head was about to explode.

Nero soon snapped out of his little daydream and scratched the back of his head, blushing from his stupidity.

"I have a plan B," He stuttered.

Sparkle sighed, she felt like all her anger was out now. "Nero, plan B never works. You know, in the movies and TV and stuff. Never"

"But maybe this one will work."

"Fine, tell me."

Nero bent over and whispered his plan into her ear.

Later that day, Nero seemed quite happy with himself. He was walking with his head high and didn't seem to act very timid like he usually does. Blair, who was drinking some water by the snack table, noticed his change of mood and called him over.

"Um, Nero, what's up with this new attitude? It looks like you just won the Superbowl and are going to Disney World." She asked, clutching a foam cup full of water.

Nero smiled and shook his head.

"Nope, I'm **not** going to Disney World!" He answered with his chest puffed out.

Blair returned to the snack table. Nero noticed her uninterest in him now, but still continued. He settled down a bit.

"I'm just, happy, that Sparkle actually called me by my name, that's all." He said, smiling broadly.

Blair, now giving Nero her full attention, turned around and faced him, she had a warm smile on her face.

"Oh, that's great." She said. "It's rare for her to call all her interns by their names."

"I know. Of all the interns around here, me..."

Blair chuckled and turned back to the table.

"I heard her screaming at you. She looked pretty pissed,"

"Blair,"

"Really. Was that when she called you by your name?"

"Yeah..."

"_Exactly my point_,"

"What?"

Blair turned around again, now holding her trademark clipboard.

"It's like a mother yelling at her children. She really only uses their middle names when she's mad at them. For you, Sparkle used your real name when she was mad at you, instead of calling you and intern."

Nero stared at Blair and sighed.

"Yeah, I guess you're right," He said. He waved to Blair, and grabbing a quick pawful of sunflower seeds, continued on his way.

'_Oh, I forgot to tell Blair about my plan B_,' He thought to himself. He shrugged and stuffed a mouthful of sunflower seeds in his mouth.


	5. Don't Drink Sparkle's Diet Coke

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_:::::::::::::::::

School has begun, and that only means this fic will be taking even longer to make! Oh well, it adds suspense; and cliffhangers! And I know everyone loves cliffhangers! Yay for cliffhangers! Cliffhangers for all!

_A pack of angry readers have thrown Clover out the window for her obsession with cliffhangers. She will be with us in just a moment. We apologize for any inconvenience. Have a good day_. :)

_**Chapter Five **.:Don't Drink Sparkle's Diet Coke:._

"Oh, Nero," Sparkle called to this intern.

He timidly ran to her side.

"...Yes?"

"Remind me to kill you as soon as this is over."

"Uh, what?"

"NERO! YOU DAMN IDIOT!"

Nero stepped back and twiddled his thumbs nervously.

"Did I do something wrong again?"

Sparkle sighed and slid off the tall chair she was sitting in.

"Listen, Nero," Sparkle began, trying to calm her as much as she could, "When I agreed to do your plan B, I did not plan for you to...**put me in a stupid dating show!!!!!!**" Nero gazed at the ground.

"But I thought you'd think it was a good idea," He stuttered.

"**Good idea!? _Good idea!? _**Nero, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done...other than drop Stefan's Viagra into my Diet Coke!"

"Oh..."

Sparkle paused for a moment and stared at the sand-colored hamster.

"...Um, why _did _you have Stefan's Viagra in the first place...?"

"Ooohh! Look, they're almost ready!" Nero shouted, pushing Sparkle in the direction of her chair on set, "Let's go!"

Sparkle sighed and decided to not scream at Nero, just this once. She made herself comfy in the tall director's chair and glanced over to the wall where "the lucky bachelors" were waiting. What joy.

Nero trotted backstage. He stopped at Blair's side. She decided to come along for the ride, and to make sure Sparkle wouldn't "accidentally" strangle Nero.

"So?" She asked, not an ounce of excitement present in her voice.

Nero looked up at her; Blair _was _taller than he and Sparkle, and said, "So...what?"

"Did Sparkle take this well?"

"...No..."

Blair smirked rather snootily and snorted, "Thought so," Nero sighed and stared at his feet. "It's not all that surprising, Nero,"

"Ugh, I know that,"

"You sure do."

A plump hamster wearing a tacky suit scrambled past the two. He skipped up to the stage, and being the host, began the show.

"Annnnd welcome to '_Mucho Smucho!'_ The dating game where **you**, the audience, chooses our young bachelorette's love!" He shouted.

"**WHAT!?"** Sparkle squeaked suddenly.

The host turned around and hushed her.

"Yeah, the audience chooses, we wanna' make this thing interesting!" He whispered through his gritted teeth. Sparkle crossed her arms and grumbled something her mother would wash her mouth out with soap for.

The host went back to his act.

"Yes, we have three great, and handsome, young bachelors who just can't wait to meet our Sparkle!"

The crowd roared.

'_They must find pleasure in torturing me!!'_ Sparkle thought to herself, frowning.

"Ookay!" The host began, shouting very, very loud. Her gestured his paw to the first of three chairs. But Sparkle couldn't see them.

"Here is bachelor numero uno! From the city, this man enjoys a nice bike ride in the local park. He also likes drinking milkshakes and playing chess! Presenting...Elias!"

Once again, the crowd roared, this made Sparkle whine even more.

"And now to bachelor number two! He likes long walks on the beach, and enjoys a girl with good taste and a bright smile," The host pretended to cough, and muttered, "_Cough, and is very cliché, cough._ Presenting, Ross!"

The crowed cheered yet another time. _'Can they just shut up!?'_ Sparkle thought to herself.

"And now for bachelor number three, last but not least.....he is a bartender and also likes good parties, full of drinks and hot chicks!?" The host smacked his cue card, with no regard towards the audience.

"_Who the hell wrote this shitty cue!?"_ He screamed backstage. A crewman backstage shouted something very muffled, but the host seemed to understand and continued as if he did nothing wrong at all.

"Ahem, well....presenting, Scout!"

The crowd ignored the potty-mouth host and cheered once again.

The host winked and pointed his finger to the ceiling. Up there, was a counter for each bachelor, and Sparkle could not see it either.

"Now, studio audience, it's _your_ chance to determine our Miss Sparkle's fate. Will it be Elias? Ross? Or...Scout? It's up to you! So start voting!"

Sparkle covered her face with her paws.

"Dammit, Nero!" She cried to herself. But realizing she was still on air, slowly lifted her head and sniffled, acting like she only had a runny nose.

The host paced around the stage. He noticed Sparkle and elbowed her pretty hard.

"Hey, Missy, perk up! We're live!" She snapped.

"**I'll do what I want, bastard!"** Sparkle sneered, giving the host a menacing look.

He slowly backed up and paced around the corner to talk with the "lucky" bachelors.

"Yeah, you walk away, jerk-hole!" She shouted, while giving the sweaty host The Finger.

A few seconds later, the host jumped to center stage and clutched the microphone.

"Okay! It seems that everyone has voted!" He exploded, "Now let's see who the lucky man is..."

A crewman handed the chubby host another cue card. He squinted as his eyes darted across the small piece of paper.

"Okay! The results are in!"

"Ooohhh nooo!" Sparkle mumbled, shaking her head. She looked uneasily at Nero and Blair backstage; they just gave her a thumbs-up.

"Annnd the bachelor going out of this building paw-in-paw with Sparkle is..............."

(A/N- BUWAHAHAHA! Cliffhanger! Cliffhanger! I gave you guys a cliffhanger! Oh, I'm so mean! I'm so evil! MUWAHAHA!!)


	6. A Gem and Scout

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

:::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_:::::::::::::::::::::

In this A/N I plan to clarify a few things! Yay for clarifying! Ok well in chapter three, that's not an actual chatroom conversation. If it was real and I was "spying", I would be very disturbed, but I'm almost positive something very similar has happened. (Which would still be very nightmarish) There's a plethora of in-jokes in this fic, like Grey Poupon and why this chapter (that you are reading now) is named what it is. I guess you can say if you don't understand some of these jokes, you will figure them out sooner or later, and finally get the joke...yeah. (I watch a lot of the super-hilarious VH1 show "I Love The 80's" (And all the other ones) and that's where I get a lot of my in-jokes here. Watch it! You'll pee your pants!)

Oh yeah, please keep in mind that I am only a 14 year old fangirl and that I do have to go to school. I'm not keeping some sort of update schedule, I'm very sorry to say, I hate bein' on schedules, _I am a free spirit!_ Woo!

_**Chapter Six** .:A Gem and Scout:. _

It was a long day for Sparkle and a nice long bath seemed ideal. So she quickly returned to her motel (They were fairly far away from the studio, and Blair didn't have that much money to spare, so they got stuck in a two-star)

After entering the motel bathroom, it didn't seem too ideal anymore.

Sparkle scrunched her nose in disgust, "Ew! You call this a bathroom!?"

After about twenty minutes of complaining on her cell phone to Blair, Sparkle finally decided to just take a bath and get on with her life. When it was ready, she slipped into the tub and let out a sigh of relief.

"Ah, for once, I am alone," She said contently to herself.

She didn't notice the window nearby creaking open.

A black spotted hamster's head peeked through the window. He had that type of childish smirk on his face only a very tolerant mother could love. And he was looking at Sparkle.

"**HI!!!!**" He obnoxiously shouted.

"AIEEE!!" Sparkle screamed in surprise as she sunk herself deeper in the tub. The hamster in the window stared at her, not sure if he had just drowned her or not.

"Hey, uh are you o-"

"**DAMMIT**!"

Sparkle grabbed a nearby towel and hopped out of the tub, she was not happy.

"You effin' _idiot!_" She screamed at the top of her lungs.

The spotted hamster blinked.

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I was just wondering what you were doing, that's all,"

Sparkle stomped up to the window and placed her finger on his nose.

"Listen...um, whoever you are! You have no freaking' right to peep! Ever since you were the "lucky guy" on that gay show Nero shoved me in, you've been following me around like a stalker!!!"

The spotted hamster stared cross-eyed at his nose and Sparkle rambled on.

"**AND, **how did you even find this place!? I thought I told Blair to get a restraining order on you!!"

And with that, Sparkle flicked her finger on his nose. The hamster in the window wiggled his nose and whimpered slightly like a baby. Finally gaining his composure, the spotted hamster cleared his throat and said, "Um, Sparkle, my name is Scout. Don't you remember, the audience thought we were meant to be!"

Sparkle turned around from brushing her hair and sneered at him. "Pshaw!" She commented, "Like we were _meant to be!_ It's more like meant to be apart!"

Scout sighed and adjusted his position. "Oh, why is that??" He asked in an annoying tone of voice.

Sparkle ignored him.

"C'mon, I'm a young, _handsome_, single guy, and you are a cute, _famous,_ single gal!"

No words from Sparkle's lips. Scout took this as a signal to go on. He now wore a seductive smile.

"_We could have a lot of fun, ya' know?"_

_**SMACK**_

"**Get out!**"

Scout rubbed his cheek. Whimpering like a puppy, he whined, "Oh, come on! I was only trying to break the ice!"

Sparkle turned around from grooming herself.

"Feh, like that was breaking the ice!? It was more like being an old perverted goose!" She sneered.

Scout ignored her as he attempted to wriggle his way through the window. Sparkle just gawked at him as he did so.

Finally plopping in the room, butt-first, in the sink, Scout looked around the room and rubbed his rear end.

"Man, that sure did hurt my ass!" He exclaimed.

Sparkle ignored him as hard as she possibly could.

Scout leaned forward looking at Sparkle.

"Hey, is your ass alright?" He asked, "Cause' if it isn't, I know how to help it!"

"_**PERVERT!!!!!"**_

**_SMACK _**(again)

Sparkle had about enough. Pushing the dazed Scout out of the room, she sighed to herself.

'_Dang, this is so annoying. I just need to get a kiss by next week, and this has turned into a freaking mess!' _She thought to herself angrily.

"Unnyaahh...mommy..." Scout muttered, nearly out cold. Sparkle kicked him slightly to shut him up.

"Damn, you're heavy," She coughed to herself, shoving him out the front door. Through all of Scout's whining, she hadn't heard her cell phone ringing; Nero was on the other line.

"Oh no," Nero muttered, still at the _"Mucho Smucho"_ studio with Blair. He faced Sparkle's assistant with a solemn look. "Sparkle isn't answering. She must have caller ID,"

Blair rolled her eyes, "Well duh," She sighed; it was a long day and all she wanted was some coffee at that point.

Nero sniffed slightly.

"_Yeah but she's gonna really be mad_," He whispered.

"And why is that??"

"_I forgot to tell her to kill me_,"

(A/N: Annnd that's the end of chapter 6! Enjoy it? Heh, I don't know if this chapter was amusing enough, but I can tell you the upcoming chapters will be hilarious. I'll give you a hint- _politics!_ Yay!)


	7. A Howard Dean In Everyone

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note!_:::::::::::::::::::::::::

W00T, I survived my first week of high school, go me! Well, I am really nervous at the moment because tryouts for the next play it... tomorrow (9/14)! (The play is _Cheaper By The Dozen_, and it has nothing to do with the Steve Martin movie except for the fact that they have 12 kids) I have my monologue all ready and I am praying that if I get a part...I won't need to kiss anyone! I highly doubt it, I don't think the director would be that hard of us innocent and naïve freshman!

Thank you all for your great reviews! Keep em' coming!!

**_Chapter Seven_** _.:The Howard Dean In Everyone:._

Sparkle managed to get rid of the perverted Scout (By throwing him in the back of a passing green truck on its' way to Mexico) and decided to attempt to lose him even more by walking to a nearby diner.

She chose the wrong diner to eat at.

As soon as Sparkle walked in, she had realized this. The decorations in the small roadside diner seemed to be split apart. One side had a lot of donkeys...the other, elephants.

"Oh, shitake!" Sparkle whined. She wheeled around and began trotting towards the door, but was very quickly, stopped.

"Oh, Miss, you can't go!" The hamster blocking her escape begged.

Sparkle rolled her eyes. "Do you know who I am!? Let me leave or I'll sue!"

"Do you know who _I_ am?" The hamster asked back.

"Don't know, **don't care!**" 

"_You don't_!?"

Sparkle sighed and shook her head, tapping her foot impatiently.

"Why I am the hamster John Kerry saved a long time ago!"

"...Really?" Sparkle asked, un-amused.

The hamster nodded. "Yes I am! Mr. Kerry is a wonderful man! He saved my life and gave me CPR! President Bush would never do that!"

"Well he might do that if he got the chance!" Sparkle snapped back, attempting to end the conversation.

The John Kerry hamster gawked at Sparkle.

"**_Traitor!!_**" He gasped. The hamster pointed to the right side of the diner. "You go over there, you little meanie! Where you belong!"

Sparkle sighed heavily enough for the hamster to hear her, and then dragged her feet over to the right side of the diner. Finally, Sparkle managed to call over a waitress, who was luckily undecided on the diner's problem.

"Yeah," The waitress moaned, "This place is hell during the elections. Just a few weeks ago, a guy called Howard Dean stopped by and caused quite a ruckus." Sparkle simply nodded as she read the menu; the waitress was drying a plate. When Sparkle found what she wanted, she pointed it out to the waitress. Popping a bubble of gum, the waitress nodded and disappeared into the kitchen.

Eyes darting across the table, Sparkle looked around for "unusual people". She managed to keep the politic freaks off enough for her food to be served; coleslaw and some Diet Coke, her fave. The waitress decided to tell Sparkle her whole life story as she ate.

"And then my family had to move out of the country because of that," The waitress babbled, gnawing on her gum.

"Really?" Sparkle responded, trying to hold her patience as best as she could.

"Yeah and then my parents got divorced. And I hated that! They always fought and yelled really bad things to each other, so they split up."

"That must have been really hard on you and your family," Sparkle sighed.

The waitress snorted, "Heck no! I was more like '_halleluiah!' _I was glad that my drunk bastard of a dad left!" She popped another bubble irritably. "Yeah and then Mom decided to remarry. What fun that was! I got the **worst** stepbrother ever! All he ever did was babble about this dumb bar he owned downtown and how he thinks celebrities are hot and how he was going to enter in this stupid dating show! What and idiot he is! Jeez!"

Sparkle gawked at her.

"Your...brother....?" She squeaked.

"Psh, yeah he works here part time. He's such a perv, too. He's tried to make me do the sickest things," The waitress scoffed.

Sparkle blinked. _'Oh...crap...'_ She thought.

"Is...his name....Scout?" She asked, stuttering slightly.

The waitress hunched her back and letting out a deep sigh, nodded.

"**_Oh crap!_**"

The waitress looked up. "What's wrong there?" She asked.

Sparkle jumped off her the stool she was sitting in. "Does anyone who eats here often and has a license plate from another country eat here often!!??" She shouted.

"....Uh, yeah, some weird guy who talks in third person a lot does. He doesn't even live in Mexico and yet his stupid green truck's license plate says he does." The waitress answered, unaware.

Wide eyed, Sparkle stared out a nearby window.

"Oh crap it's coming!!!"

"What is?!"

"_Look!!!_"

Outside, a green truck was parked in the parking lot. And there was Scout, shaking paws with the driver.

Desperate to get away from Scout, Sparkle scrambled into the kitchen and flew out the back door. The waitress could only stare at Sparkle's urgency as the truck driver and Scout walked into the diner, ringing a little bell along with it. The waitress sighed as she waved to the driver and Scout.

"Hey there!" Scout shouted, waving his paw to his stepsister, "This guy here found me a' sleeping in the back of his truck and decided to drive me here! Nice, eh' sister?"

The waitress rolled her eyes.

"Yes, John Doe loves to help people," The driver, obviously named John Doe, said. Scout nodded, winking at his stepsister.

"John Doe would like something to eat," John Doe began, "John Doe drive very far and is very hungry," The waitress chucked a menu at him.

"Eat up," She snapped. Scout was peeking into the kitchen.

"Hm," He thought out loud, "I could have sworn I saw sweet Miss Sparkle here,"

Sparkle sat out in the back of the diner, next to a dumpster, trying to catch her breath.

"Ugh, that was too close, I have to get home!" She panted.

Slipping into the front parking lot, Sparkle noticed John Doe had left the keys in the truck, unlocked.

With a broad smile on her face she spat, "Playing Grand Theft Auto all those weekends really paid off!" And sped off into the highway.

Back at the motel, Blair and Nero were more than a little confused on why there was a full bathtub...and no Sparkle.


	8. The Hitcher

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

:::::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_:::::::::::::::::::::::::

I'm very sorry for the delay, peoples, but school is a living hell as usual and some total bull crap has happened in the past few days or so, and I currently am experiencing a pounding headache, so please excuse this very short chapter. I just really need this ficcy updated so it'd stay near the top for all the happy boys and girls to see and I just needed to stop thinking about this fic and start working on homework. Whew. Long sentences there. Okay, so here is chapter eight...is it? Yeah. I'm sorry, Homecoming is in less than a week and I still don't have a dress and I didn't make the effing' play and my head hurts really, **really** bad. Sooo, aside from all my lame excuses, here you go. And like I said before, this is going to be a horribly, sickeningly, dastardly, inexcusably, short chapter, I'm sorry to say.

_**Chapter Eight** .:The Hitcher:._

"I just can't get any lower than this," Sparkle muttered to herself. She was pretty PO'd. Standing by the road, she had her thumb waving around whenever a car would pass by. So far, being a famous person and trying to hitchhike was not going as planned.

"Dammit," She shouted to the passing cars.

She had nothing. She had scrambled out of that diner as fast as she her legs could take her, and totally forgot where the motel was. Worst of all, she still had a nice warm (but still ghetto) bath waiting for her, and her cell phone was there.

"Perfect," Sparkle cried to herself, stomping her feet on the ground, creating a puff of dust. "I'm no good at this hitchhiking crap!" A car sped by, honking its' horn at her.

She wanted to cry. She really did. She had been holding all these emotions in her for so long. But she held it. She held her emotions so much, it made her head hurt. (A/N- Ugh, this sentence was basically _made_ for me right now. I didn't make the play, I held my anger and sadness till' I got home, thus this hell of a headache, okay, back to the story)

But she held it in. She had to. She only had six days left anyways.

So, with a newly renewed strength, Sparkle put her game face on and continued pointing her thumb out.

And just as she did so, a bright red sports car pulled over. Sparkle face lit up. The car's window went down, and music blaring, Sparkle's eyes met with the hottest guy she had ever seen.

"Hey, need a ride babe?"


	9. Hot Cross Buns

**As Seen ON TV **HamClover

:::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::

(Note: This A/N was written on 9/18, so whenever I put this chapter out, this A/N will be a little outdated....)

Well, for those concerned about me from last chapter, I'm fine now, it's just that this (school) year hasn't been going very well for me. I never got a chance to join the equestrian team, which has been a dream of mine since Lord knows when, and then as a second chance, I decided to try tennis. The coach said nobody was going to be kicked off, but something gay came up so people had to be kicked off and I was one of them. Obviously I was pretty pissed. So when the play auditions came up, I saw a distant ray of light. I love to act. I feel right at home being on stage with tons of people in front of me and making them happy, It's just what I love. And I don't mean to sound like a snoot, but every single play I tried out for, I got a part. This was the first time I didn't get a part, even techie, so I felt like cutting my head off with my house key...and I think I almost did. Yeah, okay. On the brighter side, this morning, (I have been up since 6 in the morning, via some evil cold medicine) I was listening to my really old Now CD's and of course I was laughing as I remembered the old days. All my favorite old songs, like Shakira's _Whenever, Wherever_ and ATC's _All Around The World_. I noticed the CD's all had that little sticker you see on products advertised on TV. They say in the commercials that it's not available in stores, yet it is, that cracks me up, they could get sued for lying like that, but all my Now CD's have that "As Seen On TV" sticker. They're so funny. That's why I named this fic what it is. Those darned "As Seen On TV" stickers always seem to create a false reality, the name just stuck for this fic. There, for all those who were confused to why this fic is named what it is, there you go. Holy fruits, this was a long A/N!

Chapter Nine .:Hot Cross Buns:. 

Blair and Nero were in quite a lot of trouble when they called Stefan and told him Sparkle had gone missing. Stefan was not at all happy that Sparkle, his only ticket to making his show a hit, had run off somewhere in the middle of nowhere.

"What do you mean she's not there!?" Stefan squeaked through the phone. Blair had to move the phone away from her ear slightly because of all his ranting. "I'm sorry, Sir, but we just entered the room and everything looked like she had been there, TV on, bath full, but no Sparkle."

"**That's not acceptable!!"** Stefan boomed through the phone. Even little Nero, who was pondering on why there was no Bible in the nightstand drawer, could hear Stefan.

Blair sighed and proceeded to make up an excuse. "Please don't worry, Stefan, Sparkle will only be "missing" for a few more days. She has gone to a theme park to take a break and have some fun. She'll be back soon."

There was a strange silence from the phone for a moment. Blair could hear Stefan bickering to a secretary about the type of coffee he had. "I'm sorry" He muttered. "So Sparkle went to a theme park?"

"Yes," Blair answered.

"Okay, good, so you know where she is. I want her back in time, you hear? _Back in time! _Not a day late, not an hour late, in time! Ye' hear??"

Blair rolled her eyes and responded, "Yes,"

_Click._

Blair sighed as she snapped her cell phone shut. Looking over her shoulder at Nero, she grinned slightly. "Hey," She says, "Let's get our butts moving before Stefan finds out I just lied to him."

Nero looks at Blair as if she was the Purple People Eater. "Okay. But I don't think it's good that you're lying to Stefan."

Blair ignores the intern's warning. "Well at this point, I really don't care. All I want to do is have Sparkle make out with some guy, film the show, and go home on my two week break and do nothing but watch Oprah and wait for Mint to come home!" At that point, Blair's face was pretty red. She was losing her patience; a rare thing for her.

Nero stares at his feet and sighs. One of the reasons why Blair got so irritable suddenly was because of her daughter, Mint. Mint was a very young girl, and when Blair got divorced with her husband, Mint had to go live with Daddy due to Blair's job. It was tough, because Blair usually only saw Mint in pictures sent via email. It's been two years since they've met in person. "Blair," Nero begins, trying to think of the right thing to say, "Let's go. I'd like to go home too."

Blair smiles as she grabs her clipboard and heads out the door. Scratching the back of his neck, Nero quickly followed, but was embarrassed because of the fact that he had to lie to Blair, saying he too wanted to go home. Nero lived in a dorm at some college nobody knows of, and working at a fast food joint across the street. To him, anything was better than having a roommate who was getting lucky in the dorm every other day.

Out in the middle of nowhere, Sparkle was getting to know a complete freakazoid.

The cute guy in the zooming red car was nothing she had expected at first. Her first hint was that the license plat read "N33D 4 SP33D" Who would want that on their sports car? Apparently this guy.

"Uh, hello," She said finally.

The driver didn't respond.

Sparkle waved her paw at him. "Hey you! You picked me up, the least I can get is a hello?" The driver snapped out of his little daze and grinned and Sparkle.

"Yo." He says, reaching his paw across the car for a shake. "The name's Tobias."

Sparkle squeaked. "EEP! Keep your eyes on the road!"

"Ah!" Tobias squeals as he darts out of the way of a 16-wheeler. Acting like nothing happens, he turns to Sparkles and grins his big, toothy grin again.

"So how are you....?"

Sparkle's quite frazzled. "Uhh, I'm Sparkle. I'm fine," She sighs, having no energy left to yell at him for his stupidity. She stares out the passenger window for a moment, then turns to him. "Do you have insurance?" She asks.

Tobias glances at her quickly, but soon looks back at the road, remembering so. "Uh, I don't think I do........."

Sparkle frowned. "You...don't even know what the heck it is...do you?" Tobias held back a sob while shouting "NOPE!" overly loudly.

'_Damn,'_ Sparkle thought to herself_, 'and he's probably a total perv like Scout. Oh why do all the cute guys have to either be idiots and pervs?'_

Flopping her head over the open window, Sparkle let out a long hard sigh.

Tobias noticed. "What's wrong there, girl?"

Sparkle holds back the urge to chuck him out the window. "Oh, nothing," She responds solemnly. She then attempts to have an intelligent conversation with him; "So, where you going?"

"Oh, I dunno',"

"...You don't."

"Yep. I am a beer' spirit!"

"...you mean 'free spirit'?"

"Exactly!"

There's an awkward silence as dimwitted Tobias turns into a gas station.

"Do we need gas?" Sparkle asks, lifting her head up from the window.

"Nope," Tobias answers, running into the little store, "We need **JERKY!**"

Sparkle blinks. "Why the hell do we need jerky??" Tobias had already skipped into the store, so he had not listened. Sparkle decided this was a good time to look around at this little red sports car. It looked like it must have cost a lot of money, by the looks of it. Leather seating, nice CD player...Hello Kitty hanging from the rearview mirror.

Tobias comes trotting back with hands full of junk food. Chocolate covered sunflower seeds, potato chips, beef jerky, you name it. He dumps it all on Sparkle's lap.

"Okay! Just dig through and see what you want!" He exclaims like a kid who drank his parents' coffee.

Sparkle hesitates at first, but proceeds to digging through it. All the yummy snacks made her stomach growl. She hadn't eaten since, well, this afternoon. Sparkle liked food, but had to eat sparingly; celebrity code. Suddenly, Sparkle finds something that doesn't belong. In complete and udder horror, she holds it up and shows it to the trigger-happy Tobias.

"Why...is this in here...?" She asks, not knowing if she should slap him or rip his neck off.

Tobias blinks and closely inspects the object Sparkle holds. "Uh, I don't know." Is all he has to say.

Sparkle sighs at his stupidity. "Listen, bucko, I don't understand why anyone in their right mind would buy a bunch of snacks and then buy Red Bull! It's just not right! It can make your heart stop, mister smart-ass!"

Tobias stares at the energy drink and laughs uncomfortably. "Oh, heh, I thought that was Hi-C..."

"_How can this be Hi-C!?"_

Tobias shrugs. Dumping all the goodies on the floor, Sparkle abruptly stands up and stares Tobias in the eyes. "You, my friend, are a genuine, full certified, **idiot!"**

So with that, Sparkle stomps off, away from half-witted (but cute) Tobias and his pile of snacks. Still clutching the Red Bull, Sparkle got herself lost again.

"Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, **damn!**" She shouts to exactly nobody. Sitting by the dumpster in the back of the gas station, Sparkle gawked at the Red Bull. It made her mouth water, and she was very thirsty. So, with a hesitant shrug, Sparkle opened the Red Bull...

Meanwhile, our friend Tobias had continued on his "journey". Scracthing his head, he says to himself, "Wow. My pregnant sister sure did look a lot thinner than before. But she told me she was in labor and needed to be picked up. I saw her waving and, why did she hate that Hi-C? She loves Hi-C! And why was her name Sparkle? It's Leann! Hm, what a strange place this world is..."

And as he zooms down the highway, she doesn't realize he just passed his sister. Ah, well mistakes happen...

(A/N: Eh, I dunno' about you but that chapter seemed a little jumbled, oh well. Anyways, last weekend wasn't so hot. I went up north (for you un-natives, that means "northern Michigan" and visited my great grandmother, who was in the hospital dying. Saturday night, my cousin calls sobbing, saying her dog Tobias just got his by a car. Ugh, if that happened to Addie, I would DIE. Yeah, so that's why our friend in the hot-rod was named that, in his honor. Of course, Tobias was much smarter than this guy. Yeah, sorry about me babbling, I don't like when people cry a lot, and that's what everyone did all, weekend, long. Ugh.)


	10. I Get Knocked Down

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::::::

Ugh. My head hurts again. Maybe it's because of this glum weather I've been having. And I'm just upset that every time my friend and I get together, something stupid comes up, so now I have a headache. Well, on a brighter note, I have that one old Chumbawumba song stuck in my head..._I get knocked down, but I get up again, and _

_They ain't ever gonna keep me down!_ Ugh it just sits there and echoes in my head. Maybe that's the cause of my headache. (Yeah and I just downloaded it, oy!) Sort of ironic too, because of all the crappy things that have been happening. I have a strange knack for getting myself back together when bad things happen, but it still scars me. And I don't think you guys really want to hear about me sulking anymore, either. Let's change topic. I'm a space cadet. And being one, while my mom was babbling something, I was thinking about starting a forum. I never really had, but wanted to. And now that the Hamtaro fan community seems really run down, I come to this site because it's all I really got now. So I have this "brilliant" idea to start a forum just for Hamtaro fanfic writers/readers. It's probably already been done, but oh well. I'll give you the URL for it next chapter, I hope you register!!!!!

Oh and to all you wonderful reviewers, I LOVE YOU GUYS! Yeah, I sound like some stalker, but I really do appreciate that you guys take time out of your day to read something that I don't get paid for. It's what I love. I love making people smile. I'm most happy when I do. Thanks for listening! ï

_**Chapter Ten** .:I Get Knocked Down...:._

What a curious sight she was, just sitting there, eyes wide open, as if she had seen a ghost. The worker found it to be a hoot, too. Clutching his Pepsi, he had that sort of smug look on his face, something like "Damn, that's what happens if I lose my sanity" he must have thought. Sparkle stared out into oblivion. Nothingness seemed quite interesting to her ask the worker reached over the slumped over Sparkle and dumped a smelly trash bag in the dumpster.

"Uh, hey? You alive?" The worker asks finally, swiping his hand in her face. Sparkle blinks out of her daze and gawks at him. "..._Dayum!_" She shouts. The worker steps back and gives her a weird stare back. "What the hell...is up?" He asks, stuttering now. Sparkle sighs and turns her head down to an empty can of Red Bull. And for really stupid reason, that was the funniest thing she had seen. Ever.

"**_HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!"_** She explodes, kicking her feet on the old, weeds in the cracks pavement. The worker blinks, stepping back even more.

"HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA HAAAA HAAAH HEEE HEEE HEEE HAA HEE AAAHHEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What the hell is wrong with you!?"

"**HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!"**

"Really! I gonna call the loony bin to come get you!!!"

Sparkle manages to quiet down. She runs her fingers through her pigtails, trying to catch her breathe. She has this sort of wide grin on her face that isn't a forced smile, but she really isn't happy, either. Her finger finds a knot in her hair. It makes her remember that she had left the hotel room after attempting to rid of Scout, (And he was the whole reason she was here in the first place!) and that she had also left Blair and Nero on a scavenger hunt for her. Swell.

"I'm...sorry," Sparkle begins, blushing from her sudden outburst. The worker sighs and squats down, thinking he's gonna hear some long story or something, but Sparkle's too damn lazy to tell her life story to a complete stranger. "I...am having a bad day..." She slowly glances down to the empty Red Bull. It seemed to be her biggest enemy at the moment.

Picking the can up, she thrusts it in the worker's face. "This," She says, "Can I get some mullah for this?"

The worker stares at her for a moment, and finally takes the Red Bull from her paw. Standing up, he stares at the can as if he was holding the Hope Diamond. "Take it! And get me some money!" Sparkle yells.

Quickly, the worker scrambles into the back door, allowing Sparkle to gain her composure before he returned with the money. She started looking over herself, as if she had gotten knocked out from being so drunk and was making sure no guys "messed around" with her while she was. All she noticed was that she had spilt some of the energy drink on her fur. "Eew," She whines, trying to lick the sticky stuff off. Giving up on that, she stands up and stares into an old window. It was so darn old and dirty, she couldn't see through it, but it made a perfect mirror. Her jaw dropped when she saw herself. She truly redefined the word 'mess'. Her once golden-copper coat was now a dull brown, and her eyes no longer seemed to shine like sky blue, but now looked old and gray. She had bags under her eyes, knotty hair, and she hadn't put deodorant on in a day. It made her want to cry. Cry, cry, cry. Cry so hard she would speed up global warming.

Taking a big gulp, she held it back. She held it all back. Sparkle stared into the mirror, staring at herself as if she were staring her own doom in the eyes. She couldn't stand crying in front of people, in public for that matter. She has a reputation for being tough, and taking no shit.

Slowing counting to ten, Sparkle gets her emotions under control. Much better.

The door creaks open and the clueless worker stumbled out, holding a dollar bill.

"Um, here, this is for the exchange." He mumbles. _'Must not have had his coffee yet,'_ Sparkle thinks.

Thanking the worker, she takes the dollar bill. Suddenly, her eyes bulge out again and she freezes. Slowly, Sparkle turns to that poor confused worker.

"...Can you...tell me the time?" She asks slowly.

"Um, well, it's seven in the morning," The worker answers. And with not even a goodbye, he slips through the door again.

"It's seven..." Sparkle echoes. That means she had fallen asleep. She had spent the night next to a dumpster in a gas station. She had done something that other people of her status probably would have sued for. And with the thought of that, she smiles. Despite all the bad things happening to her, the fact that she hasn't really thrown a hissy fit or called her lawyer was pretty big for her.

So, clutching her dollar bill, head high, Sparkle strides over to the pay phone. The good thing was, this kept her mind of the TV show and having to get that little first kiss of hers...


	11. Angular Wireless

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_:::::::::::::::::::

Wow, chapter eleven! Despite school and other stuff, I'm really having a good time writing this story. Have you guys ever read my older fics? I think they're hilarious! Not because I purposely made them humorous, but because of the fact that I really had no clue what exactly I was doing when I was writing those fics. I didn't plan ahead, I didn't thoroughly go over the characters I was creating, and my chapters were so short! But gradually, I think I got better. English has always been my better topic, anyways. And now that I think of it, I have almost been writing fics for two years! That means I was twelve when I first got into Hamtaro, (and anime in general) and when I first got into the whole fan business. And my daily life has changed a whole lot since then! I'm more confident, smarter, humorous, optimistic, and just overall happier. There may be a lot of B.S. going on, but I can come on my computer and write about someone else who is having a bad day. It really is the best medicine for me, other than giving Addie a big hug... Ugh, here I go, babbling again. That's something else I noticed, I talk a lot more!

Oh yes, before I forget, the URL for the forums is on my profile page, so go check it out! (And join while you're at it! )

_**Chapter Eleven** .:Angular Wireless:. _

Leaning against the gum-filled pay phone, Sparkle looked around for any passerby's, for change for her dollar. After she finally got some change, she put half of it into the machine and stared at it for a moment.

"Now what was Blair's cell phone number...?" She asks herself, clutching the phone in her paw.

Finally remembering it, she begins dialing the number.

_Ring, ring._

_Ring, ring._

"Come'on, pick up!"

_Ring, ring._

"Hello?"

"Oh yes!"

"Sparkle??"

"Yes!!"

"Where the heck are you!? We've been searching everywhere for you!"

"Well, gee, I feel loved now,"

"Really, we were worried for you."

"And you wanted to get paid and go home,"

"...Yeah that too."

Sparkle smiles. It felt good to talk to someone she knew, even if she found this person to be extremely uptight and annoying at times.

"Is Nero there?" She asks, forgetting the reason she called in the first place.

"Yeah he's eating breakfast in the lobby right now," Blair answers through the phone.

"...I'm glad I remembered your number......is my phone still there?"

"Yeah, I'm holding it right now..........where are you anyways?"

Sparkle chuckled, forgetting that she was completely lost.

"Well, it's a long story,"

"Right. That's what they always say. Tell me."

After telling Blair what happened, she told her the area she was in. (She had asked the worker what town and street she was on) Hanging up the phone, she feels slightly safer in this unknown territory. Plus, she would be going home soon, too.

Balling her paw up into a fist, she thrusts up into the sky, as high as she can get it.

"**Yes! Lookout world! I am going home, and there's nothing you can effing' do about it, dammit!"**

Two hamsters stared at her. And lucky for Sparkle, it was a mother and child. Sparkle lowered her paw and smiled uneasily at them. She knew they couldn't recognize her in this condition, in fact, Blair, Nero and Stefan probably wouldn't either. Scout too, that was a good thing.

The mother gives Sparkle a cold stare and covers her child's ears.

"Don't listen to the crazy lady, dear." She says quickly, hustling the kid in a minivan.

Sparkle stares at her fist as if it was the first time she saw it, she looks up at the scowling mother and blushes from embarrassment. Turing around back to the filthy old pay phone, she thumbs at the numbers carefully and hums a song. After a few minutes, she turns around to see if Blair has come. Not yet.

Sparkle begins to hum another song.

Ten minutes pass.

No Blair.

Amazingly, Sparkle remains like this for twenty more minutes, and finally, with a sigh of relief, she sees a familiar person pull up...


	12. That's Why They Invented A Map

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::::::::::

I'm very sorry if this seems a little late, it may be, anyways. If you've read my profile, you must know what happened and why I couldn't update for so long. (I'm sorry peeps, I'm too lazy to write why, and my friend is making me annoy some girl from another school on AIM at the moment) He he, it's fun to be obnoxious on AIM. Fun-filled fun. Well, back on the topic of this fic, I already have the rest of the whole story all mapped out. Every single chapter summary and spoiler is on this precious piece of paper I wrote while bored out of my mind in English. I have this paper locked away in the confines of my super messy desk. Who needs a safe when you have an out-of-order desk!

_**Chapter Twelve **.:That's Why They Invented A Map:. _

The window rolled down and none other than Blair sat in the driver's seat. She didn't look too happy, either. Embarrassed and feeling _slightly_ sorry for Blair, Sparkle tried to smile. Blair kept a straight face. "Just get in," She said, reaching over and opening the door. Sparkle carefully slid in the passenger seat and looked over her shoulder. Nero was sitting in the back, propping his head up with his head. He seemed not to notice Sparkle, and seemed rather bored with himself.

"I wanted shotgun," He sighed, not looking directly at Sparkle, "But Blair said you'd get all pissed off and bitch all the way home." He now has this obnoxious grin on his face, he's looking directly at Blair, who's not amused at all. "Nero! Shush!" She coughed, scowling at the intern. With a look of accomplishment, Nero turned his attention back to staring out the window.

Sparkle smiled, for real this time, and turned to face Blair, who was pulling out of the gas station now. Since Blair was grumpy, and Nero had an urge to annoy the crap out of people, Sparkle stared out her window at the ever shrinking gas station. She started thinking about that worker who had, sort of, helped her. She giggled to herself, just imaging his clueless face again. And of course Tobias was a trip, too. She didn't think that at the time she was with him, but he truly was a genuine idiot. Stoned, maybe?

Another giggle.

Blair notices this time and looks at Sparkle.

"Is everything alright?" She asks, looking rather surprised.

Sparkle turns to Blair and gives her a quickie grin, which quickly fades as she stares at the CD player. It looked as if the radio was on, but no sound. Turning the knob up, she soon hears some tunes. She looks at Blair again. "Why was it muted??" She asked with naivety.

Blair faces the road again. "I guess my paw must have slipped," She answered solemnly.

This doesn't satisfy Sparkle as an answer, and turns around to the spaced-out Nero.

"Hey intern," She calls softly. Nero snaps out of his daydream and stares at her. "What's with the volume?"

Nero blinks. "Oh...I'm sorry, I'll quiet down." And he returns to gazing out the window.

'_What an idiot,'_ Sparkle thought to herself. She soon turned back to staring out her window; thinking time.

Was it worth it? To go through all this trouble? Just for a measly kiss? Is a first kiss that important to her, or was it something more?

Sparkle shakes her head slightly, not wanting to question her goals as much as she was.

_But what were the benefits, the risks?_

"Stop it!"

Blair and Nero stare at her. "Something wrong?" Blair asks like a worried mother. Sparkle breathes heavily and says, "No, I was just thinking out loud again," A moment later, Nero leans forward into Blair's seat. He whispers, "_But she doesn't think aloud very often at all!_"

Blair shoos his paw away like a fly. She doesn't respond, and Sparkle ignores Nero's persistence to find an answer to everything.

"How far are we from the motel?" Sparkle asks, wanting to change the subject.

Blair looks down at her lap, where a map sits. Squinting over her granny glasses, she stared at the map. "Well," She began, "I think we're about.......hm, that's strange..."

"Oh great," Sparkle blurted, letting out a big sigh for everyone to hear, "We're lost, right?" Nero leans forward to hear better, and Blair picks up the little map and hands it back to Nero. "Please try and find where we are, Nero," She says. She turns around a gives him a serious look. "And roll down that window too! I don't want the map flying out!!"

"Oh I'm fine, Blair, no worries here." Nero responds, sloppily unfolding the map.

Sparkle gritted her teeth every time the map made a crumpling noise. "Nero!" She shouts, "Just unfold the dang map!"

Whoosh 

There's a silence for a moment.

"Nero," Blair begins, breaking yet another awkward silence, there's a definite tone of frustration in her voice now, "Did that map just fly out the window?"

They can hear Nero let out a tiny little sigh. He's got a smile on his face.

"Um, heh, heh."

"**Nero!**"

The girls scowl back at the poor intern and give him nasty looks. Of course, Blair isn't watching the road...

"**_HEY! Watch the freakin' road!!!!!!!!!!"_** Sparkle screams, grabbing the steering wheel and veering out of the way of a sixteen-wheeler.

Blair looked rather frazzled.

Nero scoots up from his cowardly position and leans forward. "That was close," He gasped, eyes wide open.

Blair finally settles down and with one paw on the steering wheel and the other adjusting her bun and granny glasses, she continues driving.

Another hour passes, and finally, she admits it.

"I'm...._LOST!_" Blair shouts, banging her head on the steering wheel. Her Honda was pulled over on the side of the road, next to what seemed like miles and miles of cornstalks. Sparkle and Nero stood outside the car, getting some fresh air, and getting a break from Blair.

"Oh why oh why didn't I pay attention in college?!" Blair moans to herself, continuing to hit her head on the wheel. Nero ignores her little breakdown as he squats down to sniff a fallen ear of corn. Sparkle walked over to Blair. She'd never seen her assistant this upset before, but she figured she there was always room for more emotional outbursts.

"Um, Blair, I was trying to tell you the whole way here, but there was a spare map in the trunk." She said, trying to make Blair happier.

Blair sighed and turned her head the other way. "I'm don't need the map. I can find it _myselffah_!"

Sparkle stepped back in surprise. Whoa, Blair was pronouncing words wrong, this was new. Blair snorted as if that was the funniest thing in the world, and rubbed her forehead on the leather part of the wheel, giggling like a schoolgirl.

Nero doesn't notice Blair's acting strangely; he was too busy eating corn off the side of the road.

"Really Blair. Let's use the spare map and get home."

"We're, _hiccup_, not lost! _Hiccup,_ I don't need that poopy map! _Hiccup._"

Sparkle leaned forward looking closely at Blair. She now saw the cause of her sudden insanity. Picking it up like it was a dead frog, she carries it over to Nero.

"Look!" She snaps, shoving it in his face. Nero stands up and inspects it. He has his timid face on, an expression common for Nero.

"That's illegal," He says flabbergasted.

"DUH I know that!" Sparkle shouts. She shoves the bottle of vodka in his face again. "If the cops catch us, we're in big trouble, and Stefan will almost positively fire us all!"

Nero takes the alcohol from Sparkle again, sniffing it. "I don't even see why people drink this junk, it's gross!" He tosses out into the cornfield of no return.

Sparkle sighs and puts her paws on her hips. "Well?"

Nero looks back at her. "Well what?"

"Dammit Nero, you know!! What are we going to do with a drunk Blair and us without driver's licenses!?"

Nero whines slightly and walks over to Blair, who's now as asleep as a brick.

"Well how did she get this junk in the first place?" He asks, sitting on the edge of the driver's seat.

Sparkle shrugs. "I don't know, but Blair always is depressed, I mean, she should really perk up sometimes! Geez..."

Nero remains silent and looks over his shoulder at Blair. She doesn't know why Blair's been so depressed yet. Sparkle probably doesn't even know Blair has a daughter, too.

He turns back to the impatient Sparkle.

"I think we should just stay here for the night," Nero says, taking things into his own paws for once.

Sparkle looked more surprised than angry at his words. It was just too freaky for someone like Nero to take charge.

"Okay," She sighs, kicking some dirt up.

Nero smiles and hops up onto the roof of the car. He looks around the road. "Okay well good thing this road is deserted!" He exclaims happily.

Sparkle smiles. For real, too. She'd never seen Nero this enthusiastic before. Well, she's never seen him for this long of a time, either. But it was good to see him happy.

"I call shotgun!" She squeaks, scrambling to the other door. Hopping in, she pokes her head out and teases, "Sleep on the roof, maybe the vultures will have fun with you!!"

Nero snaps out of his Captain Morgan pose just in time to whine, "Hey! Not fair!"

**Deleted Scene**

_Yeah, I thought since you guys are so nice in your reviews, I'd show you a scene from this story that never made it to the keyboard! This is a scene from the beginning of chapter eleven, when Sparkle and Blair were talking on the payphone. Blair is very drowsy because Sparkle called at about midnight, and all that Blair really wants is sleep. But Sparkle has other things on her mind...._

"Hey Blair," Sparkle begins.

Sparkle could hear Blair moan through the phone. "Oohh what?"

"You've kissed a guy before, right?"

"Ungh, what? Have I missed the moon before?"

"No! Have. You. Ever. Kissed. A. Guy. Be. Fore?"

Blair's silent, either thinking or sipping coffee. "Well?" Sparkle asked impatiently.

"Um, yes, yes I have."

"Oh really?" Sparkle squeals, "Who. What. When. Where. And why?"

"Um, ooh."

"Tell meee!"

"Just a minute, let me sip my coffee.... _hey where the hell did my mug go!? Nero, give my coffee back! Get your own! Go! Go!_ Okay, ugh, sorry."

"Um, yeah."

"...yeah."

"Come pick me now."

"Ugh, okay."

_Click._

_Click._


	13. Powder Room

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Oh wow Homecoming was great. (No date, just went with friends, it's better that way) My friends and I ate at Chili's before the dance and I was being myself as usual. (I.e. I was pushing French fries into the honey mustard cup and then pouring any topping I could get my paws on in the mix. Then some guys from our school asked if they could have it and ate some!) So then we went to my super-duper crowded school. It was crowded and I found the sight of random people around you making out every six minutes unpleasant, but I had a good time. We were trying to teach one of my guy-that-happens-to-be-a-friend friend how to dance. I have come to the conclusion that guys can't dance. Yeah. Okay well I'll post a pic of me all spruced up in my profile at my forums! Stop on by read my profile and look at me! (I'm not very candid I admit...)

Oh yes, happy birthday to Mable and Celeste. They are now two years old. (As of October 5th) Wow, time sure does fly. For those who have ever read my older much crappier fics, you'll know whom I'm talking about. Never read my old fics? You should. I do, when I need a good laugh!

**_Chapter Thirteen_** _.:Powder Room:._

"Orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel,"

"You sure you can drive now Blair?" Sparkle asked Blair, who appeared to be fine now and was now driving down the highway.

"Orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel,"

"Yes I'm fine," Blair answered with a sigh, "Just a slight headache, but I'm fine, Miss."

"Orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel,"

Sparkle smiled a little. "That's good," She said. Blair only nodded.

"Orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel, orange barrel,"

"**Dude! Nero shut the hell up!"**

Nero gasped and cowered slightly like a little kid. Sparkle was leaning over her seat scowling at him like the evil teacher every student feared.

"That dumb orange barrel thing is freaking annoying," Sparkled sneered, turning back around.

Nero sighed as he recollected on the amount of orange barrels he counted. Twenty four to be exact.

"Soo," Began Sparkle, "How much farther? I hate being in a car for so long."

Blair kept her eyes on the road. "Not far....I hope."

"Oh great!" Sparkle moaned, flopping her back on the car seat, which frazzled poor Nero sitting directly behind her. Nero whimpered like a puppy slightly.

"Well it won't be too soon," Said Blair, trying to avoid any conflict between Sparkle and Nero. Sparkle nodding and Nero sighing was the response she received.

"Even though I haven't really achieved what I wanted yet, I am really looking forward to coming home," Sparkle said, drifting off daydreaming about being home with Glitter and living all carefree again. She really wanted that at the moment. Her big welcoming cage, her nice warm bed, her overstocked wardrobe, her vanity fit for a princess. All was waiting for her to come home. Oh and how she looked forward to soaking in a _real_ hot tub, not like the one at that trashy motel. Oh how nice that would be right then and now...

"Can we pull over????" Nero squeaked, snapping Sparkle out of her happy place.

Blair sighed. "...Why?"

"Because I need to go really baaad!" Nero whined in response. Sparkle grumbled to herself in annoyance.

Blair leaned forward in the driver's seat and squinted ahead. "Okay Nero, that sign says a rest stop will be about one mile. Okay?"

"Yes! Yes! Hurry!"

"Yes**, hurry**!" Sparkle spat, "I don't want Nero pissing in the back seat now, now do I?"

Blair shot an irritated look at Sparkle as she pulled into the rest stop. (AN: I'm not sure if you guys have rest stops on your highways, but in Michigan they are lifesavers, when the time calls for it of course )

As soon as Blair parked her black Honda, Nero jumped out of the car and galloped into the building. Both Blair and Sparkle got out simultaneously and stood next to each other watching Nero scramble like Indiana Jones running from that big rock thingy.

Hand over her forehead to block the sun Sparkle squinted off at him.

"Hey Blair," She said, "How old is Nero anyways?"

Blair, who was the type to remain silent unless spoken to, turned to the girl and smiled slightly, as if think _what a silly question to come from her!_

"Well," Blair began, shifting her clipboard from one paw to the other, "I believe Nero is the same age as you; older, maybe." Sparkle was quiet for a moment. "Really?" She said. "He doesn't look as old as he does." Blair chuckled a bit, kicking a rock next to her Honda.

"Yeah well not everyone was as fortunate as you were in finding a good job."

Sparkle's smile faded as she glanced at the grinning Blair. "What are you implying?" She asked rather quizzically. Blair shrugged. "Well, oh how do I put this, well you're envied by a lot of people because you have a good job, good pay, and a good home. Lot's of people don't have that."

"What'cha talking about now?"

"Well, you should talk to Nero more often. He's a smart boy, just in the wrong place."

Sparkle kicked a rock this time; is rolled quickly and jumped the curb into a flowerbed.

"He has a lot to say," Blair went on, "He told me he likes working where he does."

"Pssh, really?" Commented Sparkle.

"Yes. He doesn't have a good home life. And he lives in a really bad college with a nasty room mate."

Sparkle was quiet for a moment, thinking about what Blair said. "He...likes his job here?" She asked.

"Well I think he'd much rather be anywhere but home." Blair paused and stared at the ever-redder setting sun. "There will forever always be a reason why people act a certain way," She said, digging for the right words to say, "Nero's one of those, I figure. His behavior has a cause, so does yours; mine too."

There was an eerie moment after what Blair said. Suddenly no cars were driving in and out, and people didn't run to and fro. The wind didn't even blow. It was as if life was at a standstill. Just waiting for Sparkle to say the right thing...that she did not.

"Gee, Nero sure does take a long time!"

Blair sneezed in reaction to Sparkle's comment. "He better darn well hurry up," Was all she had to say.

Meanwhile, there actually was a reason why Nero was taking so long, for once. A line. Stomping his feet impatiently like a little kid, Nero leaned over and peered over the line. It was pretty long, for a bathroom. The guy in front of him coughed as the fidgeting Nero bumped into accidentally.

"Watch it, kid." The guy scoffed. Nero glared at him angrily as he peered across again. The line still didn't move. Swell.

"I don't want to wait forever," Sparkle moaned, leaning against the front of the car; she tapped her nails on the hood with a tone of frustration present. Blair gave Sparkle a nasty look indicating she didn't approve of her tapping her car's hood. Sticking her tongue out, Sparkle obeyed, but not without a comment.

"_Dang, this is getting so freaking annoying!" _

"Please, for Pete's Sake, have some patience for one," Blair sighed while inspecting her nails like a girly-girl.

"Hey, what's that...?"

Blair looked up at what Sparkle was pointing at. Halfway across the parking lot was a tacky looking booth sort of thing with a big huge sign no one could miss on top. The print on the sign wrote; "_Once in a lifetime experience for bachelorettes! Join today!" _

Positively intrigued, Sparkle hovered over to the booth like a moth to fire. Blair quickly followed, forgetting about Nero and her unlocked Honda.

When they arrived at the booth, Sparkle immediately asked, "What's this for??"

The guy on the other side stood up and puffed his chest out, apparently happy to have caught someone's interest.

"Well," The booth guy began, "This is a sign up sheet for the new hottest reality show, premiering this fall!!"

"What is it?" Asked an eager Sparkle.

"This reality show is called _Single's Camp_! The newest sensation from the creators of _I'm A Weirdo, Get Me Out Of Here! _and _Win A Million Bucks By Acting Like A Freaking Loser_!! All were hits, and so will this one!"

"What's this show about???"

"_Single's Camp_ is where all these lucky young ladies get to hang out with a really hot single guy and try to woo him! The bachelor chooses the girls he likes, and soon, only one will be left, and they will be together forever, in love and they can kiss all they want!"

"Hm, it sounds sort of familiar in a way, but you said we kiss! How do I sign up?????"

The booth guy smiled broadly as he slid a sign-up sheet out from the bottom of the booth. Both Sparkle and Blair seemed absolutely sure that this would take the cake; Sparkle would kiss, they would go home, Blair could finally see Mint, Sparkle could get paid, and Stefan would stop flapping his mouth. It seemed so perfect.

"Well, shall we go?" The booth guy asked, gesturing his paw to a bus behind him.

Blair and Sparkle looked at each other, both thinking, _We're going now?_, hesitated, and jumped in the bus.

As for Nero, he had finally managed to defeat the evil line and had finally relieved himself. He ran out as fast as he could, only to find Blair's Honda unlocked and an empty booth.


	14. Is Your Mama Llama?

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::

I'm writing this author's note at ten at night and am really hyper! Wee! Maybe it's because I'm listening to the Hamutaro Techno opening theme, which can only be called the coolest Hamtaro oriented song ever created by mankind, or maybe it's because I had Dr. Pepper during lunch today...? The world may never know why I act like a loony at random times, but I know that some of you people are getting a little too sly! Why? Take Light Sneasel's review, you're catching on to me! AHHH! People if you have an idea, don't spoil it! **Meep!**

_**Chapter Fourteen **.:Is Your Mama Llama?:. _

"Well this is just peachy!" Nero shouted to the black Honda, kicking a pebble angrily. And with all the anger and force he put into kicking that rock, it only bounced a few feet. Normally, Nero would not get angry, but he had _almost_ had enough. And this was enough to make him slightly angrier than normal. Just slightly.

He stared at the Honda for a moment. He was surprised that Blair had been enough of an idiot to keep the door unlocked in the first place, but leaving the keys in there just iced the cake.

"Blair! **Blair!**"

Blair didn't answer, and Nero decided to trot over to the other side of the parking lot, where the big trucks parked. It might have sounded like an absolutely insane idea, but Nero just guessed, with a slight ray of hope, that Blair had gotten more liquor, gotten herself and Sparkle drunk, and decided to bang some truckers. Yeah, that was brilliant.

And as everyone had hoped, Blair and Sparkle weren't getting lucky with some truckers, in fact, they weren't even there. Nero was never good at making theories anyways.

Shivering, Nero rubbed his arms and gazed up at the golden sky. It was getting dark and that unsettled him slightly. "Where are they??" He asked himself, puffing out a breath of air.

Sulking back into the building, he noticed that is was a lot less crowded than before. It just seems to have a few weirdoes here and there.

Nero walked up to the closest person he could find. "Um, excuse me," He said.

The man looked up from his slump and snorted, which Nero took as a shun. Moving on, Nero got denied by a few more bums, and gave up on them fairly quickly, as means for help, that is.

So the next piece of junk sitting closest to him was his only hope: A vending machine.

Squinting at the red words scrolling across the tiny screen above the buttons, Nero determined that he needed exactly one dollar and twenty five cents, just so he won't _"die of thirst and have poor panicked Blair and Sparkle see poor Nero dried up like a prune and sob and cry about all the horrible things they'd done, and how wonderful he was"_ It sounded like a good idea for a second, but the thought of being dead turned him off on that. (AN- There's no exact location these guys live in, really. I'd say they live in Japan, but the show has so little references to Japanese culture, which is a mixed blessing. Just to make my lazy job easier, they'll be using US currency, no yen )

Crouching down on the sickeningly greasy tile floor, Nero peered under the vending machine, hoping that some unfortunate soul had dropped a quarter or a nickel and was unable to reach it. Nero stood back up with some luck; a quarter and two nickels. This wasn't enough. Now poor Nero had to beg the bums and any "unlucky" passersby's for change.

"Pssh, no, I'm in a hurry, sonny!" Spat a bussinessham too busy talking on his cell phone. He patted Nero on the head as he breezed by, messing up his hair. Casting an angry glare, Nero fixed his hair while waiting for the next passerby.

"I sorry, no money..." Whined a little girl. She backed up her statement by showing Nero her empty change purse. Nero smiled and told her thanks anyways, at least she didn't mess up his hair and call him "sonny".

"Back in my day, we didn't hafta' pay for some dang water!" Blurted an older ham Nero stopped, who actually took the time to pause and talk to him. "Back when I was your age, we never hadda' scrounge around for change. We just had to go to the river, and it was just down the hill! Now that was higher living! Nowadays, you kids need to work so hard for what you want!"

Nero stared at the man. Gee, he was different. Most old guys like him complained that the younger generation had it for them.

"Yep, everyone else says you guys are all spoiled n' stuff. Not exactly!" The man said. He gave out a heaving cough, cupping his fist, and went on his way. Lifting up his paw slightly to stop the man, Nero hesitated. "He didn't even tell me if he had any money..." He sighed.

It was almost all the way dark now, and everyone seemed to either be leaving or taking a _really_ long time in the bathroom, for it was now nearly a wasteland.

A janitor came through the door and gawked at poor Nero, how leaned against the brick wall muttering insulting words to himself angrily. The janitor walked over to Nero, who had this sullen look on his face. He looked like he was in his dark place, if he had one.

"Um, sir, are you all right?" The janitor asked quietly, not sure if Nero would bite her head off suddenly or burst into tears.

He did neither to her.

"No, I'm fine, thanks." Nero mumbled through his gritted teeth. "I need some money for something to drink..."

The janitor squat down and looked at him with a worried expression. "Are you lost or something?" She asked, concerned.

"No, not exactly. I just got left here."

"Oh, that's tough, it happens a lot, trust me. Us custodians all call it the _Semi-Home Alone Syndrome. _Yeah, it sounds funny, but sometimes there's reasons for someone leaving one of their party behind, you know?"

Nero looked at her. He didn't say anything.

"Sometimes something real important comes up. It may be life threatening, it may not. You'll never know until you find out."

Nero smiled. "That didn't make any sense." He said.

The janitor laughed, standing up. "Well, I try my best!"

Nero breathed a sigh of relief. He felt safer now; knowing someone he could trust was around him again. He trusted Blair with his life, too. She was always like a mother to him. He even trusted Sparkle too, when she was in a good mood.

The janitor picked a piece of gum off the brick wall and flicked it in the garbage with no complaints.

"I'll be here for quite a while, so you're fine. And I mean quite a while!"

Nero stood up and brushed himself off.

"So, you got any change?"


	15. The Benefit Of The Doubt

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::::::

I've been home alone since I've woken up (and that was about at 9 a.m.) and I will be so until 7 o'clock.

Typical.

_**Chapter Fifteen** .:The Benefit Of The Doubt:._

As the cup of hot, black coffee was placed on Stefan's desk, he peered into the mug, babbling into the phone like a valley girl. He sniffed the coffee and stared at it. He hung up the phone and looked at his secretary, who was standing before his desk, waiting for his opinion on the java.

"Is- it good?" She asked rather timidly. She was a middle-aged ham, shiny gray hair and square glasses, fairly young, too.

Stefan smiled as if he knew what she was worried about. "No, no. Everything is fine with the coffee. Now you go back to work, Lola!" He said as he leaned forward and tapped Lola on the behind slightly. She squeaked and hurried out of the room. Stefan leaned back in his leather chair and smirked.

After a moment, he diverted his attention to a pile of paper sitting on the edge of his desk. A fairly large pile, it made Stefan's grin fade. It was the script for _Falling Leaf_. It had been sitting on the edge of his desk for quite some time, collecting dust, sitting there, being a reminder to him. Omens, whispering in his face, to get Sparkle back to the studio ASAP and make the show a hit.

Not like the stacks of paper were talking to him in a creepy voice, it was only his damn conscience.

The black leather chair creaked as Stefan leaned forward and covered the pile with a poster. "There."

The door creaked open, and Lola's head peeped in.

"Um, sir?"

Stefan looked up from scowling at the script. "Yes?"

"There's a phone call, sir. I think its Blair."

Stefan's eyes turned to his telephone. "Really?" He asked, as if surprised.

Lola nodded.

"Very well," Said Stefan. "Thank you, m'am,"

Lola smiled quickly and her head disappeared as the door creaked shut again. Stefan's paw reached out for the phone, but he hesitated.

_What if she's calling because Sparkle's run off again??_

_What if Sparkle got ran over by a bus?_

_What if Nero went insane and killed Sparkle?_

_What if Blair got drunk again and suddenly found herself in Michael Jackson's house?_

_What if Sparkle fired Blair?_

_What if Sparkle got someone mad and sued us?_

_What if my wife makes that casserole for dinner again? I hate that junk!_

There were too many thought going through the director's head to make an intelligent choice, so he picked up the phone.

"Stefan?"

"This is him."

"Oh, good. Hey, Stefan, I think we just solved our problem!"

"Oh really? Sparkle didn't get kidnapped or anything?"

"No. Listen, we're in a bus on our way to a filming of some dumb reality show! Sparkle can most definitely land a kiss here! They make out five times every episode!"

Stefan leaned back in his chair and twirled a pen around with his paw. "Ah, good, good!" He said, relieved that this was good news for once. "When will the filming begin?"

"Um, I think the guy working on it said in about one or two days, not very long."

"Okay, that's good. Just remember, I want a happy Sparkle home ASAP! If you do, I think I see a promotion in the horizon..."

"_Oh yes, sir!_ I'll get to it right now!"

_Click._

Lola peeked her head in again. "You- hasn't drunk your coffee yet, is it good enough?" She asked meekly.

Stefan picked up the mug and sipped it. He held back an expression of distaste.

"Ah, no, no, no, Lola! It is just heavenly!" Stefan reassured. He gestured for Lola to come forward.

Lola bounced up to his desk, and Stefan told her to lean forward. "_It is heavenly like your beautiful smile!_" He whispered. "Now you go back to work, you!"

With an insanely ditzy giggle, Lola trotted out of Stefan's office.

Leaning forward, Stefan snagged the pile of papers that was the script. He inspected it and thumbed through each page delicately, making sure every last type was in place. With a grunt of satisfaction, he hit the stack on the desk, straightening the pile, and plopped it back in its place, where it would sit for only a few more days.

(A/N- I'm sorry if this seemed like a lame chapter, it may be, but it gets a lot more interesting next chapter! Be prepared!!)


	16. Bachelor Party!

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

:::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::

Many apologies for this chapter being updated so late, and here's my excuses (we all have em')

I'm a lazy bum

Damn school

I don't live on my computer

And now its time for the show!! (Also, I noticed I had made a pretty big mistake back in chapter seven, I had a guy named John Doe. Ugh, I don't know where the hell I got that name from, but it was supposed to be Bob Dole. Bob Dole likes to speak in third person. Yes, Clover is sorry for mistake. Clover hopes you don't get mad. Clover.)

Chapter Sixteen .:Bachelor Party!:. 

"This can't be happening..."

Blair turned around from the folding chair she sat in. "What do you mean?" She asked, her arm across the back of the chair. Sparkle sighed and flopped her head back. "You don't know yet!?" She asked in a whiny tone.

Blair blinked. "No...what's wrong?"

"_Did you see who the Bachelor was!!!???_"

"No I haven't. Have you?"

"Of course!!!!!!!!!! And you know who it is??"

"I just told you Sparkle, I don't know."

"It's no other than—"

"Ah, welcome, welcome!" Blurted a hamster strutting towards them. He looked eerily similar to the host of the cheesy dating game show Sparkle suffered through. He walked forward and shook Sparkle's paw quickly. Letting go, Sparkle lifted her paw in disgust; his hands were really sweaty. As Sparkle wiped off the sweat on her paw, the hamster explained to Blair what was going on.

"Yes, yes." The hamster said. "Miss Sparkle here will first meet who the bachelor is, then we will begin filming."

Blair looked over her shoulder at Sparkle, who was scowling angrily at both of them; she looked like she was trying to cast a curse upon them.

Turning back around, Blair said, "Well Sparkle said she already knew who the—"

"Oh! Oh! You've already met the Bachelor?" The chubby hamster interrupted, looking at Sparkle. She looked around her, as if looking for someone else to answer his question.

"Um, yeah, _unfortunately_," Sparkle muttered, lowering her head and glaring off sideways like a grumpy child.

The fat sweaty hamster whooped. Blair and Sparkle didn't know whether he was dying or laughing, so they let him be. Coughing slightly, she hamster wiped his face and turned to face Blair again. "Get Miss Sparkle ready in about ten minutes, okay?" Blair looked from Sparkle, to the fat hamster, and then to her clipboard. Assuring herself this was a wise choice, she nodded and smiled. The hamster seemed satisfied and left, taking his faint scent of sweat with him.

After he was out of sight, Sparkle looked up at Blair and moaned one very long whine.

"I don't want to do this!" She cried, giving Blair her best puppy face; it didn't work on Blair.

Blair shook her head. "Sparkle, this was pretty much your idea. Just go through with it, okay?"

"No! You don't understand, dammit!"

"What don't I understand?"

"What you don't understand Blair is who the Bachelor is!!!"

"What? Is it Larry King or something?"

"**Noooooo!**" Cried the ever-frustrated Sparkle, who covered her ears and shook her head angrily.

Blair rolled her eyes as Sparkle let her frustration out on her pigtails. When she realized she yanked out some hairs, she studied them for a moment, and then chucked them on the ground. Getting back to her senses, Sparkle looked up at Blair.

"Okay, Blair," Said Sparkle, trying to keep her ever wasting away sanity, "The Bachelor is Scout, okay? Scout a dirty little pervert and all he wants is _me_!"

"Sparkle I know who Scout is." Blair said, tapping her fingers on the metal chair she sat in.

"See my point now?" Asked Sparkle.

"Yeah, yeah."

Abruptly, Sparkle sat up and looked over Blair. "What is it?" Blair asked, looking in the direction she was.

"Guess." Answered Sparkle in a monotone voice. Blair squinted over he granny glasses and realized what Sparkle saw. "Oh..."

Along he came; and came straight to poor Sparkle.

"Sparkle!" Scout shouted, making sure the whole world knew that he was _acquaintances _with a celebrity, "Long time, no see!!"

Sparkle snorted, amused by Scout's antics. She quickly folded her arms and looked the other way. Scout grinned and reached out to grab Sparkle's arms. With a tight grip on her paws, he attempted to give her the best speech he could,

"Oh, how I was worried about you...! I couldn't stop thinking about you...! And through all those painful night without you...! Um........."

It was no use for anyone to hint at Scout. His speech was just too horrible, and the only way to make his words even more sickening, was to quote a movie;

"...you complete me!"

Sparkle's paw balled up into a fist. She wanted to cream him again, but with Blair sitting right there, she just couldn't.

Scout noticed Sparkle fist. He hadn't realized that she had freed herself of his grip.

"Listen, Scout," Sparkle began, not in the mood to shout her head off, "Do you really wanna go through with this whole damn reality show thing? I mean, it's so...fake!"

Scout scratched his chin, and he actually seemed to be considering what Sparkle had just said. His light bulb lit.

"Aha!" He shouted, pointing his finger in the air. "I've got it!"

"What is it?" Said an eager Sparkle.

"I choose you!"

"What!?"

"Screw the whole show, girl! I want you!"

Blair and Sparkle were speechless.

"N-no...!"

Scout grabbed Sparkle's paws again, this time, a little less tight. He leaned forward into her face and grinned a wide grin. Sparkle was in too much of a shock that her plan did not work to break away.

"Are you wondering why?" He whispered. "It's because of your darling little face..."

Scout, being the risk taker he was, leaned forward even more,

**SMACK**

From the impact of the hit, Scout stumbled back into some of the metal chairs. With a loud rattling noise, he fell into them, knocking them down, a very angry Sparkle fell with him.

"Oh great! Sparkle...!" Whined Blair, who jumped up from her seat to help Sparkle up. She was lying on top of a very dazed Scout.

Helping Sparkle up, Blair asked, "Are you all right???"

Sparkle chuckled to herself and brushed her sides off. She looked up at Blair. Her mouth opened like she was about to speak, but she hesitated. And all she had for an answer was a simple shrug, and she took off. Blair decided not to chase after her.

"Ooooohhhh, my head..." Whined a very dizzy Scout, who sat up and rubbed his cheek, which was red with a paw mark on it. Blair looked down at him, but didn't help him up.

She looked off to where Sparkle had run off.

"Oh man," Blair sighed to herself, checking her clipboard. "That was close."

"Close? Unh, close for what?" Scout asked, now sitting up.

Blair looked at him and glared at him.

"None of your business, m'kay!?"

Scout rubbed his cheek again, but decided not to respond to this. Some things, he thought, should just be left alone.

Funny, if you think about it.


	17. Take A Good Look

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Oooohh, the elections, damn, they're annoying.

_**Chapter Seventeen **.:Take A Good Look:._

Sparkle had found a bar just across the street from the studio. Slumping herself in the barstool, Sparkle let out a loud sigh. The bartender noticed, and he went over to see what was the problem.

"You all right?" He asked. Sparkle glanced up at him. She would have completely ignored him, if it weren't for the fact that she was looking into the cutest face she had seen in a long-long time.

"Oh-oh me?"

The waiter sarcastically looked around him and faced her. He shrugged as he dried a plate. Sparkle gave him an uneasy smile and stared off at a nearby napkin, trying not to blush.

"I-I'm sorry," Sparkle apologized, "I must have bugged you."

The waiter blinked. "For...what?"

"For bothering you. You look busy, so I'll just leave you...alone, m'kay?"

The waiter looked around himself again. "I'm not busy, miss. This is the slower time around here. As soon as my employer gets here,"

"-Oh no!"

"...What's wrong now, m'am?"

Sparkle spun around in the barstool chair and pointed her paw to the doorway of the bar.

"It's **_him!_**" She squeaked.

The waiter leaned forward to see whom she was pointing to. When he noticed, he let out a chuckle. "Oh, that's my employer who I was talking about, miss!"

Sparkle turned back to him and gawked. "You mean to tell me that _Scout owns this bar!?_"

The waiter smiled and scratched the back of his neck. "Why yes." He answered.

Sparkle had remembered the announcer of the dating show she was in a few days ago saying Scout owned a bar or something like that. But she had totally forgot about it, and with her luck, she found the one bar out of thousands, that Scout owned.

"_Damn_!"

The waiter scowled at Sparkle's remark. "Miss, I don't like that sort of language here." He said uneasily. Scout was busy talking to somebody he must have knew outside the bar.

Sparkle turned back to the handsome waiter and sneered, "Why, I can't swear??"

"No, miss, it isn't very polite."

"But this is a bar."

"I know that."

"But losers get drunk here and swear their heads off all the time."

"Not on my shift they do!"

"Oh really?"

The waiter childishly put his paws on his hips and nodded. Sparkle smirked that smirk she always got when she was up to something. And with a big breath, and no regard to anyone else in the room, she shouted,

"**Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn! Damn!"**

Sixty six times, to be exact.

Sparkle's little outburst had caught the attention of the whole room, let alone the whole town. Scout peered through the door as the flabbergasted waiter motioned for him to come.

Scout rushed by Sparkle, only acknowledging her with a pat on the head, and was at his employee's side in no time. "What seems to be the matter?" Scout asked in an unusual tone of seriousness. The waiter pointed to an ever-angrier Sparkle and said, "This lady here is quite the potty mouth! And if I didn't work here to serve these customers drinks to make them happy, well then I'd-I'd..."

Sparkle cut in, "You'd slap me and tell me to act more my age, right?"

"Um, yeah, what she said. And if you weren't a customer..."

"...If I wasn't a customer, you'd do the same goddamn thing I mentioned five seconds ago because if you weren't so cute, I'd kick your nice big ass!"

The whole room gawked at Sparkle; Scout leaned into the bewildered bartender's ear and whispered to him, "_She's a cantankerous little cutie, ain't she_?" Sparkle heard what Scout said, and flopped her head on her paw, resting her arm on the bar. She ran her finger along the surface. Scout continued,

"_How bout' you get her a special drink, my treat, will ya'_?"

"Um, okay, but..."

"Oh she is a good friend of mine, just serve her up the _special_ drink, kay'?"

"Okay..."

As the bartender prepared her drink, Scout leaned over the bar and grinned at Sparkle, who looked ever so depressed and tired.

"Aw, don't be upset girl." Scout said.

"Scout if you were in my shoes, you probably would have stuck your head in an oven by now." Sparkle retorted, keeping her eyes set on her finger; she avoided any eye contact. Scout shifted his weight from one foot to the other impatiently. "Well," He began, "My bartender here is preparing you our best drink on the menu, and it's on the house, of course."

"Oh I'm flattered."

"No, really, this is the best of the best. You'll surely love it."

Sparkle couldn't take it. _Why is he being to freaking nice to me all the sudden!? _She thought. She looked up at him. For trying to get away from him so much, Sparkle had never taken a good look at him. All she really knew about his looks until then was that he was an off-white color with little black patches here and there. What she didn't notice was his eyes. They were a deep sapphire blue and looked pretty mesmerizing. He had that grin on his face, the one you'd typically see in those cliché action movies with the ever-so cocky and handsome star that always got the hot girl. Sparkle regretted ever looking straight at him, for it made her blush so much she couldn't hide it. Before she realized, Scout noticed the red on her face.

"You sure are cute, you know?" Scout said, after he caught Sparkle's weakness. This made the poor girl frantic as she sat straight up I her chair and blushed even more.

"St-stop!" She whined, slamming her eyes shut as if she were dreaming. The bartender set a glass of some type of alcohol on the surface, making a clinking sound as it landed. It distracted Scout long enough for Sparkle's blush marks to fade. "Ah, it looks like your drink is done, thank you Wes." Scout said, pushing the drink closer to him. The bartender, apparently named Wes, nodded and walked off, not without giving Sparkle a dirty look; Sparkle returned it with no hesitation.

"Here, drink up." Said Scout as he handed Sparkle the drink. Sparkle took it hesitantly, she never did really drink all that much, but it seemed that Scout had realized he had made her so mad, and was turning over a new leaf.

Oh what the hell.

Scout's smile broadened as Sparkle emptied the glass. When she was done, Sparkle plopped the glass down loudly enough so everyone knew she had just chugged a ton of liquor.

"_Oooh, that was gooood_!" Sparkle blurted. Scout gave out a chuckle of accomplishment.

"Was it good?" Scout asked.

"Oh yes sir it was!" Sparkle shouted, "Better than eating cheese in Iceland!"

"Ah, I see," Replied a satisfied Scout. _Wow, that stuff worked quicker than I thought it would._ He thought. _Now for the ultimate test..._

"Sparkle,"

"_Yessah_?"

"Am I hot?"

"Only hotter than the Sahara desert my fellow citizen of the United Kingdom Of America!"

"That's wonderful"

_Really wonderful._

**Plop.**

Sparkle fell out of her stool and lay on the ground as if she were skydiving. Scout leaned over the table, holding back the urge to burst out laughing.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Peachy...! I like peaches...they're fuzzy..." A drunken Sparkle responded, sprawled across the floor.

Scout walked around the bar to help Sparkle up. When she finally got to her feet, Scout asked, "Will you follow me upstairs? I'd like to show you something."

"Ooh okay, sounds fun." Sparkle snorted, slumped on one of Scout's shoulders. He led her up into a room that looked like Scout's bedroom; it was a complete mess. And at this time, it was completely dark outside. Sparkle had been gone for some hours and didn't even realize it. Poor Blair was probably ripping her hair out looking for the girl.

"What'cha gonna show me...?" Asked a drowsy Sparkle.

Scout grinned. Holding her paw, he dragged her over to one side of the room, in front of his bed. "Just a sec," He responded. Sparkle giggled drunkenly. Scout ran his finger through one of Sparkle's pigtails, taking out the band that held it up. Sparkle found this hilarious and laughed some more, almost tripping over Scout in the process. She walked forward, but completely forgot about Scout in front of him; she ran right into him.

"Ohoo!" Sparkle giggled, her face in his fur.

Scout suddenly grabbed Sparkle shoulders as he pushed her down. She landed on the bed and that bastard Scout was right on top of her.

"So...what are you going to show me...?" Sparkle asked, totally oblivious to what was going on. She appeared to be blushing again. "Well, just hold on, okay?" Scout replied in a hushed tone. He was stroking her, and the drunken girl cooed at the touch. Scout leaned forward into Sparkle's face.

He wanted to kiss.

And suddenly, she snapped.

Sparkle looked around the room with the most surprised expression you could ever get. She didn't move though, Scout would realize she had suddenly, for some super-creepy and unexplainable reason, become sober. Scout still wanted a kiss.

"Oh..." Whispered Sparkle, she tried to move away from him. "Dumplings!" She shouted.

Scout sat up abruptly and gawked at her. "What...?" He asked quizzically.

"Dumplings. I left them in the truck. The...Dumpling Truck!"

Sparkle had just said something that totally didn't make sense, so he still thought the girl was drunk. Sparkle found her chance and with a quick (and rough) pat on the head, she galloped out of the room.

Scout sat on his bed not knowing what exactly happened. But whatever he had intended to do with Sparkle, he had just failed. This made him let out a long, hard sigh.

"Oh well, back to the dating show."


	18. No Intern Left Behind

**As Seen On TV** By HamClover

::::::::::::::::::::::_Author's Note_::::::::::::::::::::::::

Don't you hate it when you get those uber-cheesy Christmas songs stuck in your head?

Last Christmas, I have you my heart and the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special…special.

**IN THE NAME OF JAR JAR BINKS MAKE IT STOP!**

_**Chapter Eighteen **.:No Intern Left Behind:._

Wes was busy cleaning a glass, and the last thing he expected was Sparkle to come scrambling down the stairs and throw herself at him.

"WES!!" She shouted, clutching his white shirt tightly. Wes blinked.

"Um, what the hell?"

"I need a car!!!"

"Why?"

Sparkle moaned out of frustration and flopped herself in a barstool. Rubbing her forehead and watching for Scout out of the corner of her eye, she answered, "Because, you idiot. Scout is a pervert stalker and I would really like to get away from him for good." Wes sighed as he rubbed the glass ever more vigorously from his annoyance with the bratty girl.

"Yes well don't we all," He replied sarcastically.

Sparkle leaned back in the stool and stared at the ceiling. "Idiot…" She coughed.

"Stop it!" Whined a moody Wes.

"No!!! Really! Give me a God Damn car! NOW!"

"Why should I?" Wes retorted, arms all akimbo in a way that suddenly made Sparkle burst into a laughter of insanity.

"**Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaa!"**

Wes' face melted. "What the heck? Stop it!" He cried like an overgrown child.

"**Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha-**_are you gay_-?"

Wes gasped. "I most certainly am not!"

Sparkle spun around the barstool, her eyes focused on the irritated bartender, that grin on her face.

"I think yes."

"No."

"_Yesss_"

"**No**"

"_Yes-sir-ree bob!"_

"**NO!"**

"Admit it"

"**_NOOO_**"

"**Then give me the keys to your car dammit**!"

"Fine, here you go! Now get lost!"

Wes plopped a pile of keys in Sparkle's paw. With a grin of defeat, she trotted out the door. When she was a safe distance from Wes and the building, she shouted, **"GAAAAY!**" She kept the grin of a win as she heard Wes scream something back, but she was too busy finding what car was Wes' to hear. He had some old red 80's car. Big, boxy, and ugly. As she sat in the car, it suddenly hit her.

Nero.

"**Holy shit! **I forgot Nero at the rest stop!"

Meanwhile, poor little Nero was sitting in Blair's BMW. (Remember, she left it unlocked, keys and all) He didn't know how to drive, so he didn't dare start the car. Plus, if he crashed it, Blair and Sparkle both would have his head…if they ever got back. Nero sighed and stared out of the sunroof. It looked like it was about to rain soon.

Sipping some cold coffee he found in the cup holder, Nero looked around the car; a book in the glove box caught his eye. "Huh. What's this?" He asked himself and he took it out and flipped through the pages. As he did, one certain page caught his eye, and began reading.

And as if by magic, along came Sparkle, screeching through the parking lot in the retro 80's car. Nearly ramming into a nearby drinking fountain, Sparkle left the red car not worrying what happened to it and scrambled to Nero and Blair's BMW. Nero looked up from his book, and in pure delight he shoved the book back into the glove box and hurriedly rolled down the window.

"**NERO!"**

"**SPARKLE! **Oh my gosh I'm sooo happy to see you!" Nero squealed with delight as he jumped out and squeezed Sparkle. Suddenly realizing the sin he had just committed, he shyly looked up at Sparkle and smiled. "Uh, hey."

"Nero…" Sparkle said, trailing off and trying to vent her anger elsewhere. Opening the door and pushing Nero into the passenger side, Sparkle searched for the keys. "Come on, I want to go home." She answered rather quietly. "I've had enough of this B.S."

Nero plopped the keys on Sparkle's head. "I had them with me so no one would take them. See? Common sense."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Let's go home."

Sparkle started the car. "Right-o!" Said an eager Nero as he buckled himself up.

As Sparkle and Nero zoomed out of the parking lot and onto the highway, a public bus pulled into the parking lot. As the doors opened, the person out was not other than Blair. She B-lined for where her car was parked, and to her horror, it was gone.

At this point, she wanted to pull her hair out.

"_Can this job get any more worse!?"_

(A/N- I'm sorry for the lame chapter, I haven't written in a while and am a little rusty…)


End file.
